Ways To Be Nicer To Yourself

Quiet your inner critic

We all have one—the voice that says you failed, you made a mistake, you can’t do challenging things so don’t even try. Treating yourself with compassion means telling that voice to knock it off. “The harshness we have for ourselves, we all have in common,” says Nataly Kogan, the CEO and founder of Happier. “Start by learning to hear that voice in your head, how you talk to yourself. Then pause and reframe as if you were talking to a friend,” says Kogan, who created an online course to teach self-compassion

Be your own advocate 

Turn that critic into a motivator. Think about how you’d encourage a friend or loved one who needed some support or cheerleading. Now offer that kindness to yourself. Kristin Neff, PhD, is a psychologist who authored a book on self-compassion. She points out that when you’re nicer to yourself, you can see mistakes as learning opportunities. That gives you the strength and confidence to try new things (and try them again when you need to)

Take care of yourself

Think of what you would do for a friend who’s having a tough time, says Kogan. You might bring her snacks, take her to get a massage, suggest she get more sleep, or offer her some perspective and words of encouragement to break a negative cycle. You can do all of these things for yourself, too. However, self-care isn’t the same thing as self-indulgence. Buying yourself a treat because you had a bad day is a short-term fix for a longer-term problem. Care is getting what your body and brain need (like enough sleep, water, and healthy food). Indulgence covers up issues, but only temporarily. It scratches the surface instead of going deep.

Forgive yourself

Yep, you probably messed something up today. And yesterday. And the day before that. But so did everyone else you know—even the ones who seem to be perfectly on top of everything. Instead of just putting those missteps out of your mind, though, you need to actually absolve yourself of them. Forgiving is much more meaningful, and mindful, than forgetting.

Recognize your strengths

“We all carry around this deeply rooted sense that we are not good enough,” says Kogan. “Where does that come from? Do you more often think about your flaws and mistakes and things you haven’t done, or about what you really like about yourself? Most of us take good things for granted, and focus on mistakes and flaws instead.” To fight this tendency, write down what you appreciate about yourself. Include qualities and traits as well as achievements. Keep adding to your list!

Forget perfection

Holding yourself to an impossibly high standard is counterproductive: You’ll never achieve it, so it can only make you feel bad about yourself. That’s not motivating! When, instead, you set goals that are challenging, but still doable, you are charting a course for success. When you plan for, and accomplish, smaller improvements, you are living in a more mindful and kind way. Ready to start spreading goodwill?