Various studies have indicated that there are ways to become more likable, without even saying anything.
Strategies include dressing up, demonstrating more energy, and handing the person you’re with a cup of coffee.
What you say matters, too — but don’t discount the importance of nonverbal cues.
Becoming more likable is easier than you think.
There’s lots of research on the traits and behaviors that make people likable — that have nothing to do with what they’re saying.
Below, Business Insider has rounded up some of the most fascinating pieces of research on the best ways to make friends and impress coworkers, all without saying a word.
Have the person you’re with hold something warm.
An oft-cited 2008 paper, published in the journal Science, suggests that physical warmth is related to perceptions of interpersonal warmth.
In one small study described in the paper, 41 undergrads were asked to hold either a cup of hot coffee or a cup of iced coffee. Then all participants read a description of a hypothetical individual’s personality and rated them on multiple traits, including warmth.
Sure enough, participants who’d held the hot coffee rated the individual higher on warmth than those who’d held the iced coffee — even though they rated them similarly on other traits.
The authors write: “Experiences of physical temperature per se affect one’s impressions of and prosocial behavior toward other people, without one’s awareness of such influences.”
Speak in a higher-pitched voice.
You’ve technically have to utter something for this trick to work. But it’s less about what you say and more about how you say it.
A 2014 paper, published in the journal PLoS ONE, found that men and women who speak in a higher pitch are perceived as more likeable and more trustworthy. A group of 320 Scottish participants listened to 64 Scottish speakers say the word “hello,” then rated the speakers on different traits. Researchers drew connections between the speakers’ pitch and the subsequent ratings.
As Michael Woodward described the study on Psychology Today: “Although these judgments may not necessarily be accurate they do appear to be consistent.”
Dress fashionably.
A small 2011 study, published in the European Journal of Personality, found that extroverts and self-centered people — really! — are perceived as more likable.
73 German university freshmen, who didn’t know each other, took turns introducing themselves to the group. The introductions lasted a matter of seconds, and the rest of the participants rated them on a number of measures, including: “How likeable do you find this person?”
The researchers dug deeper to figure out why extroverts and self-centered individuals were considered more likable. As it turns out, one reason is that both extroverts and self-centered individuals “had a more fashionable appearance.”
Look self-assured and energetic.
The same study mentioned above found that likability also depended on “the speed and energy of [participants’] body movements” and “the self-assuredness of their body movements.”
It’s worth noting that the “originality of content” in the participants’ introductions mattered, too. But nonverbal cues are perhaps more meaningful than you’d think.
Copy the person you’re with.
This strategy is called mirroring, and involves subtly mimicking another person’s behavior. When talking to someone, try copying their body language, gestures, and facial expressions.
In 1999, New York University researchers documented the “chameleon effect,” which occurs when people unconsciously mimic each other’s behavior. That mimicry facilitates liking.
Researchers had 72 men and women work on a task with a partner. The partners (who worked for the researchers) either mimicked the other participant’s behavior or didn’t, while researchers videotaped the interactions. At the end of the interaction, the researchers had participants indicate how much they liked their partners.
Sure enough, participants were more likely to say that they liked their partner when their partner had been mimicking their behavior.
Spend more time around the people you’re hoping to befriend.
According to the mere-exposure effect, people tend to like other people who are familiar to them.
In one example of this phenomenon, psychologists at the University of Pittsburghhad four women pose as students in a university psychology class. Each woman showed up in class a different number of times. When experimenters showed 130 students pictures of the four women, the students demonstrated a greater affinity for those women they’d seen more often in class — even though they hadn’t interacted with any of them.
Casually touch your conversation partner.
Subliminal touching occurs when you touch a person so subtly that they barely notice. Common examples include tapping someone’s back or touching their arm, which can make them feel more warmly toward you.
In a French study, published in 2007 in the journal Social Influence, young men stood on street corners and talked to women who walked by. The experiment took place over the course of three weeks, and 120 young women were included.
As it turns out, the men had double the success rate in striking up a conversation when they lightly touched the woman’s arms as they talked to them instead of doing nothing at all.
A University of Mississippi and Rhodes College experiment studied the effects of interpersonal touch on restaurant tipping, and had some waitresses briefly touch customers on the hand or shoulder as they were returning their change. As it turns out, those waitresses earned significantly larger tips than the ones who didn’t touch their customers.
Smile
In one University of Wyoming study, nearly 100 undergraduate women looked at photos of another woman in one of four poses: smiling in an open-body position, smiling in a closed-body position, not smiling in an open-body position, or not smiling in a closed-body position. Results suggested that the woman in the photo was liked most when she was smiling, regardless of her body position.
More recently, researchers at Stanford University and the University of Duisburg-Essen found that students who interacted with each other through avatars felt more positively about the interaction when the avatar displayed a bigger smile.
Harvard researchers recently discoveredthat talking about yourself may be inherently rewarding, the same way that food, money, and sex are. So people generally appreciate a good listener.
In one study, the researchers had participants sit in an fMRI machine and respond to questions about either their own opinions or someone else’s. Participants had been asked to bring a friend or family member to the experiment, who was sitting outside the fMRI machine. In some cases, participants were told that their responses would be shared with the friend or relative; in other cases, their responses would be kept private.
Results showed that the brain regions associated with motivation and reward were most active when participants were sharing information publicly — but also were active when they were talking about themselves without anyone listening.
In other words, letting someone share a story or two about their life instead of blabbing about yours could give them more positive memories of your interaction.
“On your last day on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.” — Anonymous
Sometimes, to become successful and get closer to the person you can become, you don’t need to add more things — you need to give some of them up.
There are certain things that are universal, which will make you successful if you give up on them, even though each one of us could have a different definition of success.
You can give up on some of them as soon as today, while it might take a bit longer to give up on others.
1. Give Up On The Unhealthy Lifestyle
“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.” — Jim RohnIf you want to achieve anything in life, everything starts here. First, you should take care of your health, and there are only three things you need to keep in mind:
Quality Sleep
Healthy Diet
Physical Activity
Small steps, but you will thank yourself one day.
2. Give Up The Short-term Mindset
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” — Mae WestSuccessful people set long-term goals, and they know these aims are merely the result of short-term habits that they need to do every day.
These healthy habits shouldn’t be something you do; they should be something you embody.
There is a difference between: “Working out to get a summer body” and “Working out because that’s who you are.”
3. Give Up On Playing Small
“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone, and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
— Marianne Williamson
If you never try and take great opportunities or allow your dreams to become realities, you will never unleash your true potential.
And the world will never benefit from what you could have achieved.
So voice your ideas, don’t be afraid to fail, and certainly don’t be afraid to succeed.
4. Give Up Your Excuses
“It’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand.” ― Randy Pausch, The Last LectureSuccessful people know that they are responsible for their life, no matter their starting point, weaknesses, and past failures.
Realising that you are responsible for what happens next in your life is both frightening and exciting.
And when you do, that becomes the only way you can become successful, because excuses limit and prevent us from growing personally and professionally.
Own your life; no one else will.
5. Give Up The Fixed Mindset
“The future belongs to those who learn more skills and combine them in creative ways.” ― Robert Greene, MasteryPeople with a fixed mindset think their intelligence or talents are pre-determined traits that cannot be changed. They also believe that talent alone leads to success — without hard work. But they’re wrong.
Successful people know this. They invest an immense amount of time on a daily basis to develop a growth mindset, acquire new knowledge, learn new skills and change their perception so that it can benefit their lives.
Who you are today is not who you have to be tomorrow.
6. Give Up Believing In The “Magic Bullet.”
“Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better” — Émile CouéOvernight success is a myth.
Successful people know that making small continuous improvement every day will be compounded over time and give them desired results.
That is why you should plan for the future, but focus on the day that’s ahead of you, and improve just 1% every day.
7. Give Up Your Perfectionism
“Shipping beats perfection.” — Khan Academy’s Development MantraNothing will ever be perfect, no matter how much you try.
Fear of failure (or even fear of success) often prevents you from taking action and putting your creation out there in the world. But a lot of opportunities will be lost if you wait for things to be right.
So “ship,” and then improve (that 1%).
8. Give Up Multi-tasking
“Most of the time multitasking is an illusion. You think you are multitasking, but in reality, you are actually wasting time switching from one task to another “
— Bosco Tjan
Successful people know this.
That’s why they choose one thing and then beat it into submission. No matter what it is — a business idea, a conversation, or a workout.
Being fully present and committed to one task is indispensable.
9. Give Up Your Need to Control Everything
“Some things are up to us, and some things are not up to us.” — EpictetusDifferentiating these two is crucial.
Detach from the things you cannot control, focus on the ones you can, and know that sometimes, the only thing you will be able to control is your attitude towards something.
Remember: nobody can be frustrated while saying “Bubbles” in an angry voice.
10. Give Up On Saying YES To Things That Don’t Support Your Goals
“He who would accomplish little must sacrifice little; he who would achieve much must sacrifice much; he who would attain highly must sacrifice greatly.”
— James Allen
Successful people know that in order to accomplish their goals, they will have to say NO to certain tasks, activities, and demands from their friends, family, and colleagues.
In the short-term, you might sacrifice a bit of instant gratification, but when your goals come to fruition, it will all be worth it.
11. Give Up The Toxic People
“Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.”
— Albert Einstein
People you spend the most time with add up to who you become.
If you spend time with those who refuse to take responsibility for their life, always find excuses and blame others for the situation they are in, your average will go down, and with it your opportunity to succeed.
However, if you spend time with people who are trying to increase their standard of living, and grow personally and professionally, your average will go up, and you will become more successful.
Take a look at around you, and see if you need to make any changes.
12. Give Up Your Need To Be Liked
“You can be the juiciest, ripest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be people who hate peaches.” — Dita Von TeeseThink of yourself as a market niche.
There will be a lot of people who like that niche, and there will be individuals who don’t. And no matter what you do, you won’t be able to make the entire market like you.
This is completely natural, and there’s no need to justify yourself.
The only thing you can do is to remain authentic, improve and provide value every day, and know that the growing number of “haters” means that you are doing remarkable things.
13. Give Up Wasting Time
“The trouble is, you think you have time” — Jack KornfieldYou only have this one crazy and precious life. That’s why you owe it to yourself to see who you can become, and how far you can go.
However, to do that, you need to ditch meaningless time wasters and stop allowing them to be an escape from your most important goals.
To do that, you should learn how to take control over your focus, attention and make the most out of your 24 hours within a day.
Remember that you will die, so never stop creating your legacy and doing the things that will enrich your life.
I am sure you ladies will agree that lipsticks are the “go-to” makeup for a lot of us when we quickly want to pull our look together. There’s nothing like a little lipstick to brighten your face and add polish to your look. You don’t want it on your teeth, though, and you probably wish it didn’t wear off quite so fast.
I am sure you ladies will agree that lipsticks are the “go-to” makeup for a lot of us when we quickly want to pull our look together. There’s nothing like a little lipstick to brighten your face and add polish to your look. You don’t want it on your teeth, though, and you probably wish it didn’t wear off quite so fast.
But having said that, let me tell you that not everybody knows how to apply lipstick properly. Like it fading as soon as you applied it or when you found it bleeding on the outside of your mouth and onto your teeth. Does this sounds familiar? Well, for those of you struggling to master this art, we are here to help you out with these simple ways to apply lipstick perfectly.
Things Needed: A nourishing lip balm/ lip conditioner A lip liner Concealer Compact powder Your favorite lipstick
Prep Your Lips Exfoliate with a soft, damp toothbrush and keep hydrated by applying a nourishing lip balm. This will help give you an even application of lipstick.
Use a lip liner To define your natural lip line and to prevent your lipstick from getting messy, use a good lip liner to define, reshape and perfect the contours of the lips.Choose a color that matches your lips, not your lipstick. Before drawing a line with the lip pencil, begin by dotting it at various points along the outline of your lips. Then, drawing very lightly, use the liner to connect the dots.
Apply lipstick Pick up the lipstick and apply the color, starting at the center of the upper lip and moving outward toward one corner. Bring the lipstick back to the center and run it outward toward the other corner. Repeat with the lower lip. To fill in any missing color, dab the lipstick with your pinky, then dot the color onto your lips with the finger.
Blot your lips To blot, which will make lipstick last longer and keep it off your teeth, take a facial tissue and fold it in half. Hold it in two hands, with the fold facing you, then bring it between your lips and press your lips together gently. Release. To make lipstick last even longer, dust a little powder on the tissue before blotting
Tips: Avoid deep reds if you have thin lips. They tend to make lips look smaller. If you have dry lips, you may not want to use matte lipsticks since they tend to dry your lips even more. Look for moisturizing lipsticks that also condition your lips.
There’s an interesting maxim about how long wealth actually stays with a person and their descendants. The saying is three generations, tops: one to make it, one to spend it, and the third to blow it. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, but have you ever sat down and seriously thought about wealth and what it means to you? Or do you figure, “What the heck, I’ve always been broke, my forefathers were broke; it’s generational” – it’s just a rite of passage of sorts. If you feel that wealth is out of your reach, you aren’t alone.
According to some experts, there are millions of ‘clueless potential millionaires’ who could be at the top of the wealth ladder if they only reined in a few bad habits. However, you may be a skeptic, and rightly so. Being wealthy means different things to different people. But according to the experts, there are financial mistakes many people make that keep them away from their possible wealth.
What is Wealth Anyway?
Most people do not equate wealth with a mansion or a big yacht. In fact, a scanty 7% of people surveyed associate wealth with material possessions like cars, houses and boats. Rather, to many, being rich means having just enough to not worry about the next payday – that’s according to 33% of those questioned. An additional 26% define being wealthy, or rich, as having more than enough money to quit their jobs. Still, few people place an actual dollar amount on what it means to be wealthy. Only 17% felt that being rich means having at least $1 million or more, and 11% stated a six-figure yearly income would make them feel rich. Yet most people who are rich don’t even consider themselves rich.
Maybe it’s because being ‘rich’ or ‘wealthy’ has very little to do with material possessions, and more to do with how people feel about themselves. Nonetheless, according to financial experts you will never be rich if you are bogged down by anything on the following list:
1. Overspending
If you have a ferocious appetite for spending beyond your means, you’re not alone. According to a survey, of the 52% of people who habitually overspend, many balance the shortfall by taking from their savings, and 22% rely on credit cards. Blowing all your money each month is not a realistic pathway to wealth. Start tracking where your money goes each month, check where you can cut back, and create a ‘realistic’ budget that allows you to pay your bills and invest in a retirement account or an emergency fund.
2. Not Saving Enough
Welcome to the club! The personal savings percentage in the US is a measly 4.9% of disposable income. Saving should become a priority if you want to accumulate wealth. Start with an emergency fund. Once your emergency fund is substantial, you can redirect small amounts toward other goals like purchasing a home or paying for college.
3. You Have Too Much Debt
Certain debts are a precursor to financial success, like purchasing real estate or starting a business; however, a high-interest credit card balance is not. Pay off credit cards with the highest rates first.
4. You Don’t Have a Plan
Without a definite, clearly defined plan, becoming rich will seem like an unbelievable dream. This alone will solidify your excuses for overspending and not saving. As the saying goes, “Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.” Putting together a financial plan may seem tedious, but it doesn’t have to be, and you can get used to it.
5. You Don’t Have an Emergency Fund
Experts say you need at least six months of income saved in case of an emergency. Life is tricky, and not having some type of safety net can turn a comfortable situation into a disaster.
6. You Started Late
Time is slipping by. Just like starting an exercise routine, the most difficult part about saving is getting started. Even if you have debt, a small income, or many expenses, you can save something, even if it’s only a small amount.
7. You Complain Rather Than Commit
“I don’t earn enough money”; “Life is too expensive”; “It’s hopeless, I’ll never get out of debt.” Have you uttered any of these statements before, or perhaps all of them? Old habits die hard; however, as long as you do nothing to change, nothing will change. Stop complaining and making excuses. Instead, take responsibility for your non-productive habits and concentrate on how to change them – and then do it!
8. You Live for Today, and Forget About Tomorrow
It’s no fun getting serious and thinking about retirement and all that stuff. Nonetheless, eventually it has to be done. The problem is that impulsive and unregulated spending leads to debt… period! Do yourself a big favor: Get rid of the ‘buy now, worry later’ attitude, and switch to a ‘save now, get rich later’ way of thinking.
9. Putting All Your Eggs in One Basket
You might get lucky by wagering all your money on one type of investment. Just like you might get lucky winning the lottery. But that’s not a strategy to live by, or for getting rich. Putting all your money in one place is not advised because it puts you at too much risk. Your investment portfolio should include multiple investments with varied levels of risk and ROI potential and liquidity.
10. You Just Don’t Get It!
You may be one of those people who believe that somehow something will come along and save you, so why bother with saving or trying to get out of debt? Maybe you will get lucky and land a fantastic job, receive a big pay raise, inherit money, hit the lottery, or whatever! But ‘whatever’ won’t cut it if you really want to become rich. Yes, life is uncertain. No one knows what will, or will not, actually happen; therefore, why not focus on what you can control today? Get it together now and save yourself, in case someone or something else won’t.
One thing you can be sure of: You are already rich. Think about it. If someone came to you and offered you a million dollars for your arm, would you give it up? Why not, you have two; you can surely spare one of them! Of course the answer would be no! Being rich is more than physical ownership; it’s a state of happiness and well-being, while wishing the same for others. So while you are working on getting rich materially, remember to be happy along the way!
Achieving everything you want and becoming fulfilled is often a long journey before it’s mastery. But if you can understand the principles and mechanics that underlie both, you’ve figured out the most profound secret to maximizing potential and achieving everything you could ever want, while finding fulfillment in the process.
This is something we often learn too late in life, or worse yet, until we’re on our deathbeds.
Avoid this fate.
Decide you’re committed to maximizing your potential and finding fulfillment, now.
Decide you’ll master the principles and mechanics that underlie both.
Because when you do, the experience of your life journey becomes the success itself.
This is when you know you’ve truly self actualized.
Every obstacle turns into opportunity.
Every challenge becomes growth not decay.
This is the state you need to be in to be so happy all that you’re high off life, and you have so much control and agency that you don’t desire much more and are able to derive so much gratitude and appreciation for all that’s around you.
You’re so excited for your future that you don’t even care if goals get achieved (but they will 10X).
You’re having so much fun on the journey and experience it’s creating in the meantime.
This will help you avoid the ultimate regret when this person said:
“The definition of Hell is when on your last day of living, the person you were meets the person you could have been.”
I’m launching an immersive coaching bootcamp, and to light a fire under myself, I’m taking my own immersive coaching bootcamp that walks through kicking off.
As I get to the portion of the program that’s beginning to craft the marketing/messaging,we’ve been told to go ahead and hit the market to test, receive feedback, and discover what our pricing could be.
These are all iterative items that take some playing around with and honing to figure out. Now, I know very well with my skill level and experience what I could charge prospective clients, and could probably hit the ground running hitting the exact clients I want and charge my premium price, but why rush?
I’ll learn so much by offering early adopter offers and working with different profiles of people at different price points. This timing at the beginning of my business launch where I’m discovering and learning will never come back to me once I’m out of this phase.
The learning itself is a one time opportunity and I’m going to savor it!
Therefore, I’m taking the course slowly, really getting a deep understanding of how everything and everyone works, and allowing the launch process to flow with quality and plenty of creative fermentation.
So many people are in a state of what I’m calling the self-actualization misnomer, where the perception of “arriving” makes you satisfied with your life.
If you reach that state where you’re content and not growing, that’s the beginning of dying and the last thing you want to do.
So many people are striving toward what’s generally perceived as self-actualization where they’ve checked all the life boxes, but don’t appreciate that maximizing potential comes from remaining a student and remaining hungry always.
The happiness and maximizing comes from the quality of it’s pursuit.
True self-actualization is when you embrace the fact that the human being can’t stop growing and has no limits.
The human being who has the genius to make the pursuit itself the happiness.
No other species can do that and that is why the human being is able to create technology that would appear miraculous only a few decades ago.
As Jason Silva says, we’re becoming the gods:
Jason Silva by Juan Jiminez
This is the next level of potential, and so many people are on the one yard line.
They’re right there on the cusp of breaking out.
They’re an inch away from being their best and know how to get there, but don’t.
They feel unfulfilled though they don’t know why.
This may be a mid-life crisis or just realizing they haven’t known what they’ve wanted for so long but have been plenty busy a long the way doing what they were supposed to do.
It’s these people I want to reach. These people I want to transcend to be their best so the world can benefit.
Here are 4 mistakes you must avoid on your journey or before you start it.
1. You Don’t Know How to Know What To Want — And Therefore Aren’t Able To Be Effective
Knowing how to know is required to be effective in figuring out what desires will lead to our long term fulfillment.
If you can’t visualize yourself having what you want, you don’t know how to know what you want.
If you don’t know the mechanics of fulfillment, and the needs you’re striving to fulfill, you don’t know how to know what you want.
If you don’t have the skills to observe your ego from a place of non-attachment, you haven’t done the inner work to effectively know what’s worthy of committing to vs. the simple “more” the ego wants.
These voids point to the hard fact that we humans can’t know what we want unless we have a proper understanding and possession of:
How we can manufacture feelings whenever we want to.
How we can manufacture states of mind.
How feeling unhappy is a survival mechanism.
How consciousness works.
The hard dirty first world fact is that we’re in control of all of this, and choose the opposite because of the way our brain and mind has evolved to cooperate in large groups.
Thinking
Planning
Language
Gossip
Lying
All by-products of the sophisticated human mind that’s trying to survive today.
People can control how they feel, they choose not to.
People can create a high state and maintain it whenever they want, they choose not to.
People can perceive the world the way they they’d like to see it, they choose not to.
The fact is, getting what you want isn’t the answer.
Knowing how to know is.
After you know, you’ll then realize you know how to be fulfilled, and will often find you’ll wake up to why you originally wanted what you wanted and why.
This is called consciousness evolution, and you’ll understand why and how to have everything you actually want and need, now.
2. If You Don’t Know How You’ll Expect To FeelAnd What Those Feelings Mean
How do you expect you’ll feel after achieving what you want?
Where do feelings play a role in the goal setting process?
The six needs we all need to be fulfilled also create feelings.
This is why you’re literally able to be fulfilled, for free, right now.
Because feelings, fulfillment and expansion are all we’re all ultimately looking for.
If you can feel however you want whenever you want to, you’re able to be fulfilled each and every day and remain that way for the rest of your life.
Other events are just the things that happen to happen a long the way.
At this point, you have the courage to begin making decisions that lead you toward personal expansiveness.
At this point, you begin making decisions that lead you in the direction of being, not having.
At this point, you perhaps may teach, rather than do.
You finally see the light, and realize, that you have and always had everything you need, and that things are only as meaningful as you make them, and lead to the feelings and fulfillment you can possess right now.
This is the point of abundance where you see everything around you as a blessing.
You won’t strive at this point, because you’ll have.
You won’t need money at this point, it will come to you and be there because you’re able to value things: the air, water, food, roof and relationships make you wealthy.
It’s losing sight of this abundance that causes so much pain and not understanding how to handle luxury that’s made people sick.
This isn’t to say you can’t have those things or their bad, because why not take a shortcut to fun when you can? I certainly do whether it’s my favorite Tom Ford sneakers or love for love for cool backpacks.
Again it’s simply understanding what they mean to you, now.
What does that handbag stand for and mean to you?
What does that big house or car mean to you?
Again, not bad, just know. Know you’re chasing feelings, always. And that feelings that come from the ego are always transient because the ego in all of us consumes insatiably and is never satisfied.
So choose how you want to feel, right now.
Feel good. Do it now, don’t wait. Do it always.
3. If You Don’t Know How To Continually Remain Fulfilled Before Knowing What You Want
What will sustain you for the rest of your life?
Hard question, no?
Most expect life to be an up and down journey of hard ship and struggle, and grand events and highs of happiness.
That’s whether they’re surviving in poverty or living in luxury. It’s simply different trials and events that are created by the mind and it’s reactions.
Trials and events that are created because of the same survivalist brain that’s wired to keep us unhappy and stressed to ensure our body pushes us to continue surviving.
In the first world context of being our best, living the best life we can and knowing what we want, how do we ensure we remain fulfilled?
What’s scary is how simple it can be if you wanted it to be. But you don’t.
Because in most moments, you identify with your ego and the ego is insatiably unhappy and sees those things as more food it can endlessly consume.
If you’re identifying with your ego, you derive significance from feeling bad.
If you identify with your ego, you derive importance from complaining.
If you identify with your ego, you like feeling wronged.
The fact is, events don’t make you react/respond or create anything. Your ego or observer perceives them in a way that has you choose.
I catch myself doing this all the time. If I’m not alert, I’ll let my ego get triggered. If I am alert, I embrace every event with awe which usually elicits the behavior and outcome I want from the situation and/or have the courage to tell the hard truth.
If you’re fulfilled, you choose to embrace the flow of life and see them as challenges that make you grow and expand, and add to your journey.
If you’re not fulfilled and you’re striving to ‘get bigger’, you choose to perceive challenges as events that cause stress or decay.
Every action we take is because of one or more of these six needs:
1. Certainty: knowing you have control enough to avoid pain and gain pleasure.
2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli.
3. Significance: feeling important and/or needed.
4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something.
5. Growth: expansion, capability and understanding
In any moment you have, you’re yearning for one of these things. Every action that’s had, is taken to feel one of these things.
Next time you perceive, see, do or want something, recognize which need you’re going for and feel it right then and there.
What you’ll learn is if you raise your consciousness, you’ll be able to feel these needs now.
With a high state of consciousness, you have the skills to manage fear. And if you’re able to manage fear, you can manage most events as most of what we do is driven by fear in one form or another whether it’s checking Facebook or striving for something.
An easy way to think about levels of consciousness and raising yours is referencing Dr. David Hawkins consciousness map.
Hawkins committed his life to exploring the nature of consciousness and how it affects our minds, bodies and realities.
Hawkins gives a great example in his book,Letting Go, of a story on how different levels of consciousness would handle a car accident.
I’m approximating and paraphrasing though here are the examples he gave.
Approximate levels of Shame through Grief: Something like “oh I’m such an idiot, this always happens to me. Life sucks”
Approximate levels of Fear through Pride: “ah what an asshole. I’ll sue his pants off if he tries anything. My day is ruined.”
Approximate levels Courage through Acceptance: “Well these things happen. Thanks goodness I have insurance. I hope he does too. We’ll figure it out either way.”
Approximate levels from Reason through Joy: “I bet it’s a coincidence we connected on this day. I’m so happy my insurance company exists. Let’s see what we can learn from this experience.”
Approximate levels from Peace through Enlightenment: “What’s brought me to this person today? Ah who knew, you’re the biggest real estate developer in town and I’m an attorney. Isn’t this great! Let’s grab lunch and help each other.”
As this different perception of the same events indicates, it’s we who have control to see things how we want, and therefore control our minds and feelings, and therefore thoughts and bodies (keeping hormonal responses that harm us in check like cortisol).
As Hawkins says further, if you have a fear of missing a thing (most of why we want anything), feeling or need, you can simply recognize the fear and let it go.
Often, when you relinquish the underlying fear that’s driving the action, you won’t require that action or strive to have that feeling anyway.
You’ll realize you’ll have it, now. That’s the most empowering feeling in the world.
This is why people retreat to solitude when they achieve this level of consciousness, they know they have everything and just want to remain in high consciousness.
4. You Don’t Do The Self Inquiry Required To Understand How The Intangible Becomes Tangible
Humans are the only species (for the most part at a sophisticated level) who have the capability and capacity to visualize a goal in the future, plan for it and take daily action toward it for a long period of time.
We’ve evolved so much, that we even create beliefs and thought that literally trick us into ensuring we don’t get what we think we want! This is the reality of what holds so many people back.
In our recent evolutionary past of hunter gathering, goals and planning used to be very short term like hunting or following a trail. Goals that were way more immediate and often forced the presence of mind required for accelerated learning (chased by other predators, win the hunt or starve) and goal achievement to happen. Now our goals are complex and long term, and we have multiple goals for multiple parts of our existence whether it’s work, health, financial, relationships and spiritual.
Hunter gatherers were mobile and didn’t accumulate wealth because it couldn’t be carried around. Relationships had a very direct purpose and fulfillment and satisfaction were luxuries if they were even thought about, and not in a way we’re accustomed to them today.
I doubt they cared about maximizing their potential and living a fulfilled life.
Richard Leider has spent 30 years with the Hadza tribe in Tanzania, in this post he writes specifically on the purpose of hunter gatherers, he writes:
“Everyone shares. Everyone serves. Everyone leads. That’s the power in [immediate] purpose.
You live in the now, since today’s “immediate return” (purpose moment) is the primary focus of your day.”
The Hadza wake up every day to the reality that time is precious and limited; living close to life and death, they realize every one of us will die. The wise person seeks fulfillment in the present moment. The Hadza appear to experience more joy in a day than some of us do in a lifetime. Living in the now and living on the edge brings forth the power in purpose.
Hunter gatherers lived in a fasted state out of necessity, and ‘health’ by picking your diet was a program that didn’t exist. We now have to learn about fasted states in an article and go on a lifestyle changes to achieve our health goal.
This is all of course progress and the reason why the human species won, because they could cooperate in large numbers, forge alliances, politic, think and achieve goals.
Now that we’re in 2017, we want so much more and we’ve made goal achievement so much more complicated. We need to bring the way we set goals back to the way the hunter gatherers did, by manufacturing immediacy and the forced presence of mind to learn things at the level of the nervous system.
With the right mindset, you’ll learn and practice.
With the right amount of practice, you’ll develop your skills to become competent and confident.
And with the right toolset, you’ll accelerate your results and master your field.
With all three, you have the presence of mind and confidence to possess the ultimate power: Absolute Resourcefulness
This is when you’re in a state that re-writes the rules of your field.
The point at which you don’t miss.
You’re the person that doesn’t lose.
You’re relentless and not winning isn’t even a possibility.
Your state of mind and commitment lead you to the ends of the earth to find what you need whether it’s capital or skills.
This is why some immigrants came to America with nothing and became billionaires.
This is why some of the poorest people who have been through psychological trauma have what it takes to uplift themselves out of poverty. They not only ‘figure it out’, not figuring it out was never an option.
This is the difference between the artists that make it with ease and grace and others who struggle and don’t.
If you’re deeply decided and commited, you’re absolutely resourceful.
In a state of absolute resourcefulness, you’re mind is on fire when you work.
In a state of absolute resourcefulness, you’re day to day is a riveting journey no matter what happens.
With absolute resourcefulness, you’re so committed you visualize the book deal happening with so much confidence that you don’t even care whether it happens or not.
You’re going to master your field and have a ton of fun a long the way.
This is the secret of Michael Jordan who always worked and Lenny Kravitz who locked himself in an apartment and played music until success happened.
But it’s still not about “working so hard” or being a machine though it may appear that way and that’s ultimately what the process becomes.
It’s about tapping your inner greatness that everyone has in them so it becomes fun. It’s you, expanding, and whatever you do is a reflection of that.
It may sound like I’m a proponent to “work so hard” but I’m not. Top performance comes requires rest and recovery. It’s a fine line to walk (and what makes it hard).
What I am saying, is forced resilience brings out the best in people because it creates the right context for themselves so they can succeed.
Their boats are burned.
Conclusion
With absolute resourcefulness, you have to go out of your way to take time off because working isn’t work, it’s a journey that gives you a daily thrill.
This isn’t a ploy to say “work harder” though that becomes the by-product. I have to force myself to take leisure time each day because I’m on a riveting journey of reading and writing.
By doing the deep inner work, you’ll understand how consciousness, fulfillment and emotion dance together to create the high performing state of absolute resourcefulness — the culmination of mindset, skill set and tool set that allow you to achieve anything and become whoever you aspire to be.
“Life doesn’t always go according to plan. Sometimes heading in a new direction can be scary until you realize you’re headed toward a new and exciting destination.” — Susan Gale
Reflect on a recent situation that did not turn out as planned. Imagine the details as best you can.
You might have expected a particular outcome or your well-laid plans did not come to pass as expected.
Though frustrating, life doesn’t always go according to plan and you can take comfort in not getting what you want at times.
Let me ask you:
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Is it for your greatest good or merely a matter of life conspiring against you?
Your answers will indicate your perception of life and how you respond in those situations.
“Wanting life to be other than it is seems to be the most basic form of resistance,” states the American Zen teacher Ezra Bayda in: The Authentic Life: Zen Wisdom for Living Free from Complacency and Fear.
All human suffering is rooted in the need for control.
In his book The Five Things We Cannot Change, author and psychotherapist David Richo affirms: “We do not let go of control; we let go of the belief we have control.”
Determinists and fatalists maintain that a greater force works in the backdrop of our lives, beyond our limited perspective. We are mere puppets in a well-orchestrated drama acting upon us. Whilst we have free will, we have little control once the die is cast.
To take another view, author Dan Millman states in his book Way of The Peaceful Warrior, “…once aim is taken, and the arrow is loosed from the bow, we can only wait in anticipation to see where it may land.”
Control vs Faith
“The rain WILL stop, the night WILL end, and the hurt WILL fade. Hope is never so lost that it can’t be found.” — Mandy Hale
To believe you are in control in an ever-changing universe is illogical and like chasing a stubborn cat. The harder you try, the less likely it is you’ll catch it.
However, by yielding to external forces, you allow life to flow through you. Every experience, thought and emotion becomes an extension of universal intelligence.
Spiritual masters emphasise the difficulty faced by people connecting with their hearts. They believe we are too invested in our thoughts to identify with our core self.
You needn’t be spiritual to co-operate with universal forces, for everything in this world is spiritual. However, aligning with your heart invites you to become acquainted with the silent inner voice, instead of the egoic mind.
“Insights tend to arise as needed, and the next obvious step makes itself known. If not, we simply wait for further guidance. It is the ending of drama and the beginning of a deeper life,” affirms author John Prendergast PhD in In Touch: How to Tune in to the Inner Guidance of Your Body and Trust Yourself.
In the West, surrender is met with apathy and vulnerability. It is interpreted to mean inaction when it really means co-operation. It requires letting go how life should unfold and allowing infinite possibilities to emerge.
How could you know the limitless ways the universe can provide for your needs?
To co-operate with life requires faith and trust. Faith that your needs will be met. Trust that they will arrive at the right time.
Once more, how is it possible for a benevolent universe not to look after you? After all, if you’re reading this, you have made it this far given your past choices. You handled every problem, disappointment and dare I say tragedy, and will continue to do so.
Faith is akin to knowing your heart pumps oxygen-rich blood to your organs each day. You needn’t worry it will fail its job or oversupply the arteries. It delivers more blood to your working muscles when you exercise and less when you’re asleep. How does it sense the variation in activity? What is it connected to or receiving instructions from to manage these resources?
I enjoy the passage from author Robert Maurer in One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way: “When life gets scary and difficult, we tend to look for solutions in places where it is easy or at least familiar to do so, and not in the dark, uncomfortable places where real solutions might lie.”
Change and Impermanence
“If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” — Jim Rohn
Life is replete with change given the law of impermanence. Nothing remains the same, even the cells in your body have a finite lifespan. With this in mind, rest assured that transformation is part of the human condition. Rather than oppose it, work with it. The more you resist what is taking place, the less control you have.
The essence of this principle is portrayed in the passage: “Life is like sand held in your hands. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers…”
Instead of holding on, yield to the forces of life. Go with the flow. This does not imply resignation nor indifference, but detachment.
Practice patience when things don’t go as planned. Do not mistake this for inactivity, but bide your time to allow the pieces of the puzzle to come together.
Universal order sweeps through your life, so trust in this force. A greater plan is unfolding in the backdrop of your life which requires your trust and patience.
Contrast is apparent in all of life and is the framework of the entire universe. Focus on what is going right, however small by allowing it to be the focus of your attention until something better emerges.
I enjoy the quote by author Matt Kahn in his book Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You: “While so many people know that life has a bigger role for each of us, the only way to demonstrate, anchor, embody, and trust in life’s supreme plan is to be totally honest.”
If you are struggling with an unpleasant situation, release the need for a particular outcome. Yield to the forces of life and allow it to take you where it needs to. Create a new path. Try something new, while moving forward towards your goals and plans.
I wish to leave you with a passage from author Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear: “The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.”
Within that simple message is the realisation that your struggles, pain and disappointments are calling you to Awaken Your Authentic Self.
Sometimes, the wrong turn will bring you where you need to be, if you are willing to trust in the process of life.
