Withholding important information
A lot of couples avoid “talks” because they’re afraid of getting into arguments, but hiding your feelings from your partner impedes healthy relationships. “It is important to address issues before they become big problems,” says Kerulis. To avoid getting into the habit of keeping things from each other, Kerulis recommends setting aside time to talk at least once a week about anything that’s been bothering you.
If you think you might be guilty of any of these, make a point to look out for them and stop yourself. And if your partner is, you should talk to them about it because you deserve better. Just because a behavior is common doesn’t make it okay
Telling white lies
A white lie is still a lie, and honesty is important to cultivate your partner’s trust, Dr. Michele Kerulis, professor of counseling at Northwestern University, says. Instead of telling white lies, she suggests, “make an agreement to enter an unpleasant conversation with your partner with the understanding that the intention of the conversation is to address your needs and feelings and it is not intended to be a personal attack on the other person. Agree to end the conversation on a positive note; if that’s not possible, take a break from the conversation and agree to follow up and wrap up the conversation when you are both ready to readdress the topic.”
Guilting, sulking or begging for s*x
Even if someone says “yes” to s*x, it’s not really consent if they’ve said it just to get you to stop bothering them. Verbal coercion is a form of s*xual abuse, and it can include guilting someone into s*x, trying to seduce them when they’ve already said no, whining about the lack of s*x you’re having, or anything that could pressure them into doing something s*xual that they don’t want to do.
Making everything your partner’s problem
If you’ve had a bad day, cheering you up is the right thing for your partner to do, and vice versa. But there are some problems your partner can’t fix no matter how hard they try, so don’t blame them for your bad mood or bad situations only tangentially related to them. “So, you get embarrassed when your partner starts cracking corny jokes. Whose problem is that really?” Abraham wonders. “Even if you need a partner to understand and validate a problem you are having (say, their critical mother), they may be unable to change the situation completely to your liking, and you still have to manage your own feelings about it.”
Making jokes that put your partner down
It’s normal for couples to tease each other, but if only one person is laughing (or the other is laughing just to hide their hurt or appease their partner), that’s a problem, says Abraham. If something your partner says or does really bothers you, you should confront them about it during a serious conversation, not a joke.
Being a habitual late comer
Again, we shouldn’t be less thoughtful toward our partners than we would toward acquaintances — and one thing we probably wouldn’t do to a new date or colleague is keep them waiting, at least if we can help it. “Saying you’ll be at a place at a certain time and constantly running late is annoying and a huge sign you are not a priority. If you’re repeatedly late, it starts feeling like you don’t care about other people’s time.
Forgetting to say thank you
Taking your partner for granted not only can leave you less excited about your relationship but also is downright rude, Licensed Professional Counselor Terri Abraham tells Bustle. If a stranger picks up something you drop or a server clears your plate, you say “thank you,” and there’s no reason it should be different with your partner. To avoid taking them for granted, consider complimenting them, spending some time apart, or thinking about how bad your past relationships or single life were in contrast.
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